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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25154746">I'm dying to feel again</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/bookwormally/pseuds/bookwormally'>bookwormally</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Kingdom Hearts (Video Games)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Dad energy Even, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Missing Scene, Post-Kingdom Hearts III</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 03:55:34</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,783</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25154746</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/bookwormally/pseuds/bookwormally</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Saïx has died four times, the last in a dusty graveyard.<br/>He awakens in Radiant Garden. He comes home.</p>
<p>My piece for the AkuSai zine!</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Axel/Saïx (Kingdom Hearts), Isa/Lea (Kingdom Hearts)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>83</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>I'm dying to feel again</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hey there, happy AkuSai day (1 of 2 as they deserve)! I wrote this piece last year for the AkuSai zine. If you'd like to get a digital copy of the zine check <a href="https://twitter.com/akusai_zine">the AkuSai zine twitter!</a></p>
<p>The title is from "Gold" by Imagine Dragons because it's the most Saïx song I've got lol</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>She rushes at him and even through the fog of rage and power, he is glad. He can’t move the claymore fast enough, can’t stop his headlong charge. The girl, blue eyes hard, swings her blade up, cutting deep across his chest. Like ice water poured over his head, the rage snuffs out.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>He stabs the claymore into the dirt, but his grip on its existence is shaky and it disappears like vapor, leaving him to fall to his hands on the ground.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>There are words after that, so many words that he’s longed to say for so long. A blur of red comes closer and closer. The last thing he sees are bright green eyes.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Lea…”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His chest is burning again. Each death has been remarkably similar and they always leave him burning and cleaved open.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Where...is my heart?”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His throat is burning too, dry as the desert, and he coughs. A mistake as it makes the pain in his chest flare. He hisses, but before he can curl forward, heavy hands are on his shoulders, holding him down. Only once the throb has eased do they move and help him sit up slightly. A glass is pressed to his lips and he takes a sip, two, three. His throat thanks him and he finally cracks an eye.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Small,</span>
  </em>
  <span> is the first thought to cross his mind. The person leans back and he manages to process </span>
  <em>
    <span>silver</span>
  </em>
  <span> beyond the short stature. “Zexion,” he whispers.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Not quite.” The young man picks up his arm, pressing fingers to his wrist. “Do you know where you are?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Radiant Garden.” That’s easy. That’s where the boy was, where they all were. “Ienzo, my apologies.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ienzo shrugs. “You’re disorientated. It’s fine.” He puts the arm down. “How are you feeling? You just missed Even. We made him take a break and of course, you come around.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“The same as the last time I died.” He presses a hand to his chest, unsurprised by the bandages he finds there. “That makes four.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Saïx has died four times, though perhaps the first truly counts as the death of Isa. He closes his eyes again and sighs.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Mm, well, hopefully this is the last time.” Ienzo gently moves the hand from his bandages. “Do you want more to drink or more rest?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Rest.” He’s so very tired. He wasn’t sure if he’d get to open his eyes again. The hands help him to lie back and he sighs. “Where’s…” He’s not sure of who to ask after first.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ienzo leans over him enough that they can see each other. “There are many people to discuss, but I will tell you that we already called Lea.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His chest seizes and he presses a hand over it. </span>
  <em>
    <span>It hurts. The keyblade cuts him to his core and he </span>
  </em>
  <b>
    <em>burns</em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span>.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes,” Ienzo says softly, “rest is what you need.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They leave him, one hand clenched over his heart, until unconsciousness claims him again.</span>
</p><hr/>
<p>
  <span>The next time he wakes, it’s to a rather annoying voice that confuses him more than it steadies him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“-umbling, obnoxious bunch of idiots. I’ve never worked with a sorrier group in my life. At least the old organization had a proper structure even if Xemnas went lax at the reins.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Something tugs at his hand and he opens his eyes slowly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Even is messing with an IV and complaining to no one he can see. His long pale hair is bound up out of his face and even at this angle, he can see Even’s green eyes. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Not the right green.</span>
  </em>
  <span> They look down and meet his. Even frowns. “There you are. They really must have done a number on you this time.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hands help him to sit up and begin to check his bandages. “I suppose you </span>
  <em>
    <span>needed</span>
  </em>
  <span> to see this through to the end, but you could have told them what was going on. They must have had no idea to leave you like this.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bruises and marks over his arms and the uncovered parts of his chest tell the story better than his rage-stained memories. He shrugs a little. Even sniffs. “Well, at least it worked. Almost better than we dared hope. Did you see the result of our efforts? Ienzo said he left before they could explain a thing.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Roxas arrived to save them both from Xemnas...and I.” He would smile if he didn’t feel so foggy.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I suppose he took the opportunity to extinguish you then.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No. No, it was Xion in the end.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Her eyes had been like steel and just a little bit kind.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Even takes hold of his chin and squints into his eyes. A penlight comes up and he hisses as it’s pointed into one. “Well, I think you managed to reform without a concussion, so let’s be thankful for that. She was always meant to be powerful.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Not in any way we could have ever guessed.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The end of Even’s lips curls up, a self-deprecating smile. “No, I don’t think any of us could have ever truly understood the power of the hearts we were playing with.” He pockets the light and lets go. “We have guests, many of them currently. A few would like to see you when you’re feeling up for it, Isa.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The name falls easily, a reclamation of who they were. He closes his eyes and leans back. “Not yet,” he answers, both the question and the attempt. “Not yet.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Even hums. “Yes, I think one more day. Rest. You’ve earned that, Isa.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Stubbornness, Vexen’s most obnoxious trait, but perhaps one of Even’s better. He sweeps from the room, leaving it much quieter and so very empty.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Rest. He wants just a bit more. He presses a hand to his still aching chest and curls slowly onto his side.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Lea…”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His dreams are nothing but a cold empty plane with a light flickering in the far distance.</span>
</p><hr/>
<p>
  <span>The third time, he knows it’s the middle of the night. Silence has a certain depth to it in the night, one he has always enjoyed. The night was safe, it was beautiful.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He opens his eyes and the light of the moon falls softly through the window beside the bed. No nightmares, no freezing cold can hold him fast with true light shining near him. The forced gold of kingdom hearts burned through his veins; this is like a healing balm. He sighs and watches dust drift through it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The door opens silently and a figure slides into the room. They ease the door shut and sigh. He watches them, waiting. Their shoulders are too broad to be Lea, but that makes him sad. In this dream-like moment, he might be able to face him again.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Even turns and meets his eyes and the put-together man of earlier is gone. His hair falls around his shoulders in messy tangles and the lines around his eyes are dark. He shakes his head and his voice is something closer to a croak. “I hope I didn’t wake you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He sits up, carefully, and can’t help the slight frown that creases his features. “No, I was awake. Even, are you alright?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The man takes the seat beside the bed heavily. “Am I alright? I’m well enough.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You look miserable.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“The middle of the night is hardly a good looking time for anyone.” There’s just a spot of annoyance in Even’s tone and already it feels like a slight improvement.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He leans against his pillows. “No, I suppose not. You looked better earlier today.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Even’s fingers card through his hair, but he only makes the tangles worse as he begins to twist it together. “I...I may be doing better than you physically, but I fear my other forms of recovery are going quite poorly.” He drops his hands and his hair falls, hiding half his face. “The things I’ve done, Isa...the things I’ve done haunt me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You were manipulated.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So I was, perhaps. But the joy I took in those experiments...a Nobody wasn’t supposed to feel.” Even’s face is lost to shadow, but the differences between him and Vexen are stark. “My facade this time was easy to play, because it was what I was before. A man consumed by curiosity dragging the world down with him. Dragging his family to ruins.” His voice cracks and he places his chin on his hands. “It’s too late for this. You’re to be resting.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He shrugs. “I was already awake. And I...I understand.” His hand rests over his bandages, over the burning in his chest. “He was very good at playing us, Even. He knew hearts, the dark pieces, better than anyone. Tugging on unbounded curiosity, on jealousy...” </span>
  <em>
    <span>Look at them. He’s forgotten that you were ever part of his world. He’s forgotten everything that drives you.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Even shakes his head slightly. “You were children. I was a man grown.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You had trust in someone your mentor took in. I don’t think that’s a great failing.” He sighs. “I say this, but I have yet to forgive myself. You were not alone in treating others like things to be broken before you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Why had her eyes been kind?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Fabric shifts and a cool hand pulls his fingers from where they’ve tightened in his bandages. “No, I suppose not. But that is not the similarity I take pride in.” Even sets the hand in his lap and gives it a squeeze. Green eyes, so cold and calculating, are full of something he’s not seen in years. Ienzo’s father smiles at him just a bit. “We both are making amends. That, I think, is what I should remind myself of.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His throat feels tight and he looks down. “...Yes. Though I still must deliver apologies.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“As should I. But first, rest.” Even releases him and looks toward the window. “No wonder it’s so bright in here. The moon is full.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>At the height of his strength in a cold white castle, he remembered Lea’s touch and wide eyes. ‘You’re glowing just like the moon.’ The tips of his hair and his eyes light, but it feels nothing like the fingers clumsily taking his in the moonlit garden so long ago.</span>
  </em>
</p><hr/>
<p>
  <span>He wakes at sunrise when Ienzo arrives to help Even change bandages and get him dressed. He doesn’t ask where the clothes have come from, only appreciates that they are soft and loose and remind him not at all of the last ten years. Ienzo actually helps get his hair out of his face, muttering about no one with any brains trusting Even with such a task.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Even, his own hair straightened by mysterious hands, scoffs and sweeps from the room. Ienzo rolls his eyes. “You need to eat something and we need to measure how you’re healing. So, we’re walking you to our lounge for breakfast. Nothing too crowded, but it will be good for you, even if it feels like some people are a bit too much.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He glances at Ienzo who simply smiles at him with an edge that is much more Zexion. Despite himself, he smiles back a little. “Doctor’s orders?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, his much more intelligent son’s.” Ienzo helps him to his feet and waits for him to find his balance. “You’ll feel better after Aeleus’s cooking. It makes anyone feel more human.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He groans a little and leans on Ienzo’s shoulder as they leave his room. The hall is surprisingly bright, but it makes him think of places much different than the ones he’s been for years. They pass a window that looks down on a garden. It’s tangled with weeds and overgrown, but there’s a hint of a fight to reclaim it: a shovel stabbed in the dirt near freshly turned soil, ivy clipped back from the fence. It will be a fight, but it’s already showing the rewards as tiny flowers bloom.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The view vanishes as they turn the corner and reach another door. Ienzo grabs the handle and tugs it open. “Have a seat wherever you like. I’ll go find the others so we can sit down.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He barely hears the words or feels the hands that push him inside. Seated on the couch, one leg bouncing up and down constantly, fingers playing with the buttons of an unfamiliar shirt, Lea looks up at them, at him. He jerks to his feet immediately, face tense and unsure. “Isa?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His chest burns, the broken pieces of his heart quiver, and he’s not at all sure what the answer to the question is. But as he stumbles forward a step, body much quicker than mind, Lea wraps his arms around him. He doesn’t deserve it, doesn’t deserve the warmth or comfort, but he hangs on, clinging to it. He fought for this, died for it more than once, and yet it doesn’t feel like enough after how he broke it so harshly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Fingers card through his hair, tugging it gently away from his face, his neck. It feels so light, so comforting, and it helps him breathe again. He doesn’t remember when he started crying. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Isa,” Lea says, calling to him, to who he used to be. “Look at me, please.” Lea’s voice cracks on the last word and he will not deny him something he wants again. He looks up.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lea’s been crying again, tears tracking down his cheeks. His eyes are still so green, with all the depth of life itself. Lea’s hand cups his cheek and wipes at the tears running from his eyes. “It’s you,” Lea breathes and presses their foreheads together as a few more tears work their way from his eyes. “It’s really you, Isa.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s me,” he whispers back. “What there is. Lea…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah?” Lea sniffs and cups his face. “God I missed you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Whatever he was going to say dies somewhere in his throat. His heart, so fractured and broken, beats like it still might be a thing that was saved. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Isa lifts a hand and covers one on his cheek. “I love you, Lea. I’m so sorry for what I’ve done to you and your friends.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lea presses their foreheads together just a bit harder. “Thank you. Thank you for helping them come back. I love you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That is enough, that is so much more than he could have ever asked for. Isa closes his eyes and leans into the warmth, the light, the fire that was always waiting for him whether outside in the middle of the night for some wayward adventure or in an empty white hall, wondering when he’d find his humanity again.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Isa exhales and wants to hold this moment forever, to always remind him that </span>
  <em>
    <span>this</span>
  </em>
  <span> is what he wants, what is worth everything.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A thumb tugs at his cheek and he opens that eye. Lea leans back a little, concern in his eyes. “Isa, can I…” He trails off, but it’s not that hard to watch his eyes, feel his thumb move in toward his lips.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I’m not worthy of Lea.</span>
  </em>
  <span> It’s the self-same voice that has haunted him since he woke. Guilt, anger, hatred, the dark things that have consumed him for too long.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>‘We are both making amends.’</span>
  </em>
  <span> That voice, a comforting one in a moonlight night, rises slightly higher.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Isa leans forward and kisses Lea, softly, unsure even as he tries to show what he feels. Lea kisses him back in the same way, both of them feeling out this thing that used to be so steady. If it’s unsure, if it’s unsteady, at the least it is warm and they are together.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They pull apart, their noses brushing, and breathe. They tangle their fingers together, a hold that is more familiar, easier to find again. Lea sniffs and Isa brushes at a wayward tear. “If you say anything about those damn marks,” Lea mutters and leans into the touch. It makes Isa chuckle, just a bit.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I would need them so much more than you.” Isa touches him, because he can again, the warmth of his skin, the subtle freckles over his nose. He touches the corner of Lea’s lips and he turns, kissing the pad of his finger.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Isa feels</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He slumps into Lea’s shoulder and exhales. “I missed you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lea hums and wraps his arms around Isa’s back. They’ve both grown and changed, but Lea’s arms still fit. Isa never lost his place here.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The sunlight coming through the windows is so bright, catching all the brightest parts of Lea. Lea kisses the top of his head, pressing his cheek there after. They have so very much to talk about, not altogether pleasant, but they can take this moment just for this.</span>
</p>
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